This I believe

Today was a wonderful, low key day. As I write this, I'm sitting in my room perusing books and watching Troy because I don't have any homework (gasp!). My roommate and I went running this afternoon, and then my friend John and I went to visit a local coffee shop I frequent. We finished up the day with some nice, relaxing yoga!

I was inspired to write this today after reading selections from a book called This I Believe II: More Personal Philosophies of Remarkable Men and Women. It is based on an international project that encourages people to discuss the core values that guide their daily lives. There are statements from tons of people, from Tony Hawk to Yo-Yo Ma. I figured I'd try my hand at writing my own, and this is what I came up with.

The Power to Choose

I believe that I create my own world. It is the reasoning behind one of my two tattoos—I believe that in anything I do, I have the free will to make a choice. This is not to say that I do not believe in some higher power or feel that I am all powerful. It is to say that I believe in willpower and in making choices that show respect for whatever Being that created me and the beings that actually created me and continue to nurture me (you know who you are!).

This means that I must take responsibility for all my choices, both good and bad. I have been given free will—the power to choose—and it is both wonderful and scary to know that anything I have created is created because I actively pursued it. At times, this power has brought me great joy. But, at many other times (and I am sure there will be many more throughout my life) I have wished that it was not in my power to choose or wished that I had not made certain choices.

When I left home two years ago, I choose to sever ties with the people I thought would hold me back. The thoughtlessness of this choice brought suffering to someone I claimed to love, and in my haste to make the best choice for myself, I failed to realize the implications of my selfishness. I choose to run from it—quite literally, 500 miles away—and I thought my choice was right. In fact, it was only the first choice in a litany of choices that to unhappiness. My choices left me lost, seeking peace in things that only brought upheaval. This is not to say that the past two years of my life have been only full of strife—the choice to leave did bring me here, and I feel that I have grown more than I ever expected by leaving.

It has taken time, but I have felt the sting of my choices, and I have had time to rectify them as best I could and learn from my mistakes. I am lucky in that the person I have wronged has chosen to forgive me. I am lucky that person has chosen to care about me despite my faults. When I talk with him, I am reminded of need to choose to forgive, and the amazing things that can stem from this choice.

Now, the choices I make are not made only for me, but with others feelings in mind. They are made after careful thought and consideration of the consequences. I know that my choices are mine alone, but that does not mean I live unaffected by forces in the outside world. It does mean that I can choose how I react to these uncontrollable forces—I can choose to meet anger with peace and hate with love. I can choose to do things that empower and strengthen my inner self, rather than demean it. And I can hope that others live with the same mindfulness and make their choices as carefully as I now make mine.

The first steps...

"If you trust in Nature, in the small Things that hardly anyone sees and that can so suddenly become huge, immeasurable; if you have this love for what is humble and try very simply, as someone who serves, to win the confidence of what seems poor: then everything will become easier for you, more coherent and somehow more reconciling, not in your conscious mind perhaps, which stays behind, astonished, but in your innermost awareness, awakeness, and knowledge...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." - Rainer Maria Rilke

I feel as if I am in a state of perpetual transformation. Sometimes I feel as if I'm a clear creek bed, and a child is squatting above me and stirring up all the silt and sand at the bottom, so it's impossible to see the bottom.

However, since I've started being aware of this turbulence and trying to appreciate it for what it is, I've been able to see more clearly. But this clarity and precision is almost more startling than the unknown. Whatever feeling has come over me, it's made me more able to cope with the things I can't control. I'm trying to live in the present, instead of vying for a future that has not yet happened and wishing for a past that can't ever be repeated. Yoga and meditation help keep me grounded, as well as learning to take things a day at a time.

Basically, all of this adds up to me trying to find myself. I've decided that if I want my journey to go smoothly, I need to make sure the vehicle in which I'm journeying is in tip-top shape. This means never smoking another cigarette (a habit I'm ashamed to have picked up and proud to have put down), engaging in physical activity (yoga, running, biking, walking), allowing myself time to relax and regenerate (that means cuddled up in my bed with a book), and channeling a positive attitude (meditation to calm me). So far, the journey is going well. I can't wait to see what's next!